Of a Mauser, Netaji and Baja Bhaiya

mauserVivek Kaul

So Baja Bhaiya was at it again.
“I told you not to do this again,” Netaji shouted at him.
“But Netaji I had just got this new Chinese Mauser smuggled from Nepal,” replied Baja Bhaiya.
“So?” Netaji shot back.
“I had to try it on someone,” replied Baja Bhaiya. “To see if it worked properly. There is a lot of demand in the state.”
“Excellent explanation,” said a rather irritated, Netaji.
“But why did you have to shoot at such a senior police officer?” asked Netaji. “You could have tried your aim at so many Behanji statues the state has.”
“I needed a moving target 
na. Plus statues of Behanji are so big that anyone can hit them. There would have been no big deal doing that.”
“Oh. You needed a moving target,” Netaji remarked sarcastically. “I see.”
“Actually to tell you the truth my target was the constable standing next to the senior police officer, but he moved.”
“So that’s what you really mean by a moving target.”
“Yes Netaji. And the bullet instead of hitting the constable hit the senior police officer,” explained Baja Bhaiya.
“Whatever. Now everybody including Behanji is after me. What do I about that?” asked Netaji.
“Nothing Netaji,” said Baja Bhaiya.
“No what I meant was that you will have to ask me to resign.”
“I will resign,” replied Baja Bhaiya, matter of factly.
“But why can’t you do that on your own?” asked Netaji.
“Netaji, you seem to be losing your touch, since the time you made Chote Netaji, the chief minister.”
“It’s simple. You ask me to resign. And I will resign. This will create an impression among the public that you have done something about the issue.”
“Oh yes! Oh yes,” said an excited Netaji. “Guess I have been in the background for too long. I am losing out on the tricks of the trade.” 

“And once I have resigned. I will ask for a CBI investigation into the matter.”
“CBI enquiry?” asked Netaji, going back to his perplexed look.
Arre sir. The best way to delay any investigation in this country is to hand it over to the CBI.”
Ah. Ye hui na band baaje waali baat.
“By the time CBI finishes its enquiry the 2014 Lok Sabha elections would be upon us.”
“And if all goes well you will be king maker by then. If Madam of the Con-Regress party wants to install her son Raul at the top, how will she do that without your support?”
“Of course. Of course. Even if we get 30-35 seats she will need us.”
“And anyway she is very worried these days my sources in Delhi tell me.”
“Why?” asked Netaji. “Doesn’t look like Behanji will pull the plug on her.”
Na na. Arre Raul is in his forties now and refuses to get married,” replied Baja Bhaiya.
“How will the show go on Netaji. Like you have given into the demands of your son, she also wants to give in to the demand of her son. But what about the grandson?”
“My grandson?” asked Netaji. “
Abhi uski umar hi kya hai. He will takeover when he is ready for it.”
“Exactly. So Madam also needs a grandson 
na, to takeover when he is ready for it.”
“And for that to happen Raul has to get married.”
“Yes,” replied Netaji. “But what about Priya and Bob, they also have two sons 
“Oh, yeah. I hadn’t thought about them.”
“So they can also takeover.” “Yes, yes, they surely can,” replied Baja Bhaiya.
“Good I have no such worries. Two sons and both of them married. My show will definitely go on!”
Koi shak,” said Raja Bhaiya.
“So I guess this issue is solved then,” said Netaji.
“Yes, Netaji.”
“So where is that Chinese Mauser of yours?”
“Mauser? What will you do with that Netaji?”
“Don’t worry. No moving targets for me.”
“I’ll just do some target practice on the big Behanji statue that I can see outside the window,” replied Netaji, with a wicked smile on his face.

(Vivek Kaul is a writer. He tweets at @kaul_vivek)