{"id":3753,"date":"2015-08-28T17:05:59","date_gmt":"2015-08-28T11:35:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/teekhapan.wordpress.com\/?p=3753"},"modified":"2015-08-28T17:05:59","modified_gmt":"2015-08-28T11:35:59","slug":"spoof-tracking-the-sensex-crash-in-a-biz-channel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/2015\/08\/28\/spoof-tracking-the-sensex-crash-in-a-biz-channel\/","title":{"rendered":"Spoof: Tracking the Sensex Crash in a Biz Channel"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"deflation\"<\/a><\/p>\n

What follows is a figment of the author\u2019s imagination <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>In the office of a ing business news channel: <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, we go in with the dark look<\/em> today,\u201d said the shift editor of the business news channel. The BSE Sensex had fallen by more than 1000 points.
\n\u201cDark look?\u201d asked the female anchor.
\n\u201cAre you carrying a change of clothes?\u201d he asked her.
\n\u201cYes, kind of,\u201d she replied.
\n\u201cYour clothes are too bright for today\u2019s show. Makes you look too happy. Wear black!\u201d
\n\u201cOh.\u201d
\n\u201cThe investor is unhappy today. You also need to look unhappy. Also, that lipstick is too bright.\u201d
\n\u201cEh? I just bought it yesterday.\u201d
\n\u201cAnd hope you are carrying that kajal thingie<\/em>. Make your eyes look dark.\u201d
\n\u201cDark?\u201d the female anchor asked again.
\n\u201cYes, I want that lack of sleep kind of look. You know slightly unkempt,\u201d the editor said. \u201cAnd why did you have to shampoo your hair today.\u201d
\n\u201cShampoo?\u201d the female anchor asked, all confused.
\n\u201cYes, messy hair goes very well with a falling stock market,\u201d he explained.
\nAs soon as he had finished saying this, the male anchor walked in.
\n\u201cHello, boss,\u201d he said. \u201cAaj kya karne ka hai?<\/em>\u201d The male anchor was an old pro at these things.
\n\u201cFold your shirt sleeves. And loosen the tie,\u201d replied the editor.
\n\u201cDone.\u201d
\n\u201cAh, now you have that hard-working look,\u201d said the editor. \u201cJust right for the day.\u201d
\n\u201cYes, I know,\u201d replied the male anchor. \u201cWorked so well for us in 2008. The investors really bought into it. They really thought I was working so hard to save their money that I did not have time to wear my tie properly.\u201d
\n\u201cAnd what angle should we take boss?\u201d the female anchor butted in.
\n\u201cKya yaar<\/em>! This is the problem with these new girls,\u201d said the male anchor. \u201cNever seen a proper bear market.\u201d
\n\u201cSorry?\u201d the female anchor turned around towards the male anchor and asked.
\n\u201cIt\u2019s simple,\u201d said the editor.
\n\u201cWhat\u2019s simple?\u201d she asked again.
\n\u201cEvery time the market falls, we sell it as a \u2018good time to buy\u2019 opportunity.\u201d
\n\u201cWhy?\u201d
\n\u201cWhy not?\u201d the male anchor butted in.
\n\u201cThat\u2019s the business model yaar<\/em>,\u201d explained the editor, who was slightly irritated by then. \u201cAll our advertisers, from insurance companies to mutual funds to stock brokerages will only keep making money if the stock market keeps going up.\u201d
\n\u201cAh,\u201d exclaimed the female anchor.
\n\u201cTubelight jal gaya!<\/em>\u201d said the male anchor.
\n\u201cYes. And they will keep advertising only if the keep making money,\u201d continued the editor. \u201cOkay, now let\u2019s get onto the job.\u201d
\nIn the studio, some 30 minutes later. <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWe have with us today, the technical analyst Mr Pehlaj Guglani. Sir, where do you think the market is headed?\u201d asked the female anchor.
\n\u201cYou know there is a resistance at 26,420 points. Or actually there is a support. And when the resistance meets the support, the stock market will start to rally again because the JET indicator is looking very robust. You know the whole country of the system is juxtapositioned by the haemoglobin in the atmosphere because you are a sophisticated rhetorician intoxicated by the exuberance of your own verbosity,\u201d said the technical analyst.
\n\u201cSorry Sir, but what does that mean?\u201d
\n\u201cTalk less, invest more.\u201d
\n\u201cOh,\u201d replied the female anchor.
\n\u201cWe also have with us today Mr Tarun Sabharwal, who is a fund manager,\u201d said the male anchor. \u201cWhere do you think the market is headed Sir?\u201d
\n\u201cThat is not important,\u201d replied Sabharwal. \u201cWhat goes up, comes down, only to go up again. The investors should realise there is a sale on at lower prices and they should buy. If they can buy things on Flipkart and Amazon sales, they should definitely be buying here as well.\u201d
\n\u201cSir where do you think the stock market is headed?\u201d persisted the male anchor.
\n\u201cYou see, Modi ji <\/em>is doing a lot of good things for the country. And I can safely tell you that by next August the market will touch 35,000.\u201d
\n\u201cHow sir?\u201d asked the female anchor.
\n\u201cModi ji <\/em>will ensure that,\u201d said the fund manager, knowing fully well no one was going to remember what he said, even if the Sensex did not touch 35,000 points one year later.
\nMeanwhile, the editor is getting bored with this conversation and tells the anchors over the teleprompter to get back to the technical analyst.<\/em>
\n\u201cMr Nehlani, what are your targets for this week?\u201d asks the male anchor.
\n\u201cOh, I think if the Sensex crosses 26,420 then it will touch 27,308. And if it does not cross 26,420, then it can fall to 25,768.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat should an investor do then?\u201d
\n\u201cIf he believes in the first forecast, the investor should then buy stocks. If he believes in the second forecast, he should sell them.\u201d
\nMeanwhile, the editor is thoroughly bored with the responses. The female anchor has smudged her kajal and needs a touch up. An ad break is taken.
\n<\/em>
\nThe investor\u2019s house:<\/p>\n

<\/strong>\u201cKya Ramnik bhai, aaj to stok market gir gaya,<\/em>\u201d Choksi bhai <\/em>tells Raminik bhai.
\n<\/em>\u201c<\/strong>Yes. Yes,\u201d replies Ramnik bhai<\/em>.
\n\u201cOh, but why do you have the television on mute?\u201d
\n\u201cArre,<\/em> bus bhav dekhne ka tha.<\/em>\u201d
\n\u201cSun ne ka nahi?\u201d
\n<\/em>\u201cSab upar se jaata hai re!\u201d
\n<\/em>\u201cTo?\u201d
\n\u201cKoi stok tip hai to bata na?\u201d <\/em>
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Vivek Kaul is the author of the Easy Money <\/em>trilogy. He tweets @kaul_vivek)<\/p>\n

The column was published on Aug 28, 2015 <\/a>on MxMIndia.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What follows is a figment of the author\u2019s imagination \u00a0In the office of a ing business news channel: \u201cOkay, we go in with the dark look today,\u201d said the shift editor of the business news channel. The BSE Sensex had fallen by more than 1000 points. \u201cDark look?\u201d asked the female anchor. \u201cAre you carrying … <\/p>\n

Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"qubely_global_settings":"","qubely_interactions":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[53,68],"tags":[3298,3434],"qubely_featured_image_url":null,"qubely_author":{"display_name":"Vivek Kaul","author_link":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/author\/vivekkaul\/"},"qubely_comment":2,"qubely_category":"MxMIndia<\/a> Satire<\/a>","qubely_excerpt":"What follows is a figment of the author\u2019s imagination \u00a0In the office of a ing business news channel: \u201cOkay, we go in with the dark look today,\u201d said the shift editor of the business news channel. The BSE Sensex had fallen by more than 1000 points. \u201cDark look?\u201d asked the female anchor. \u201cAre you carrying…","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3753"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3753"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3753\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3753"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3753"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3753"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}