{"id":1609,"date":"2013-03-02T01:47:06","date_gmt":"2013-03-01T20:17:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/teekhapan.wordpress.com\/?p=1609"},"modified":"2013-03-02T01:47:06","modified_gmt":"2013-03-01T20:17:06","slug":"what-happened-when-chidu-amma-and-madam-met-after-the-budget","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/2013\/03\/02\/what-happened-when-chidu-amma-and-madam-met-after-the-budget\/","title":{"rendered":"What happened when Chidu, Amma and Madam met after the budget"},"content":{"rendered":"

 
\n\"gamble\"<\/a>\u00a0<\/span>
\nVivek Kaul<\/span><\/strong>
\nChidu came out of the back door of the Parliament after having presented the budget to avoid the media that was waiting for him at the Main Gate.
\nAnd there he ran into his b\u00eate noire Amma.
\n\u201cI knew it,\u201d said Amma. \u201cYou will try to pull a fast one after presenting a budget that was a damp squib. And why have you put that tax on iron ore mines?\u201d
\n\u201cEh, eh, eh!<\/i>\u201d replied Chidu, trying to avoid Amma’s question. \u201cI was just trying to avoid the media you know.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat man,\u201d said Amma. \u201cYou think I am a village belle from Chidambaram. I was a Bangalore girl, till\u00a0filums<\/i>\u00a0brought me to Madras. \u201d
\n\u201cI know Amma,\u201d said Chidu. \u201cI know.\u201d
\n\u201cAmma?\u201d screamed Amma. \u201cHow can you call me Amma?\u201d
\n\u201cOh! Why? What else do I call you Amma?\u201d
\n\u201cAgain Amma? Only those who fall on my feet are allowed to call me Amma.\u201d
\n\u201cReally?\u201d asked Chiddu.
\n\u201cYes. And we all know whose feet all you Congressmen fall on!\u201d
\n\u201cShh. Shh<\/i>. Don’t be so loud. She might hear it,\u201d pleaded Chidu.
\n\u201cHow? I don’t see her anywhere,\u201d said Amma.
\n\u201cArre<\/i>, she is everywhere.\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>So am I.\u201d
\n\u201cAre you?\u201d came a voice from behind Amma.
\n\u201cI told you,\u201d screamed Chidu.
\n\u201cSo Chidu, what is that you were saying?\u201d asked Madam, the chief of the Con-Regress party, who had suddenly appeared from nowhere.
\n\u201cWhat will he say?\u201d confronted Amma. \u201cI was the one doing all the talking.\u201d
\n\u201cOh really?\u201d asked Madam, trying to sound slightly sophisticated.
\n\u201cYes,\u201d replied Amma.
\n\u201cNever mind,\u201d said Madam, leading Chidu away by hand, wanting to talk to him in private.
\nOnce they were at a sufficient distance from Amma they started talking again.
\n\u201cSo what happened to the food thing?\u201d asked Madam.
\n\u201cOh, yes. We are on for the Chicken Chettinad on Sunday,\u201d explained Chidu. \u201cI have specially called cooks all the way from Coimbatore to cook for you.\u201d
\n\u201cIshhhhhh<\/i>,\u201d screamed Madam. \u201cI didn’t mean the Sunday dinner. What I was referring to was the food bill.\u201d
\n\u201cMadam. It’s my treat on Sunday. Why will I give you a bill for it?\u201d
\n\u201cOkay. Now stop cracking your Pjs, Chidu.\u201d
\n\u201cHe he, you know they are my weakness Madam,\u201d said Chidu. \u201cDid you listen to the one Pj that I even used in the budget.\u201d
\n\u201cWhich one?\u201d
\n\u201cThat only 42,800 people in India have taxable income of greater than Rs 1 crore a year.\u201d
\n\u201cYes, yes. I heard that.\u201d
\n\u201cThere was another one,\u201d said Chidu, wanting to carry on with his poor jokes.
\n\u201cOkay. That’s enough. Get to the point Chidu,\u201d Madam screamed again. \u201cElse I will get\u00a0bada babu\u00a0<\/i>back from the Rashtrapatni Bhavan and appoint him in your place.\u201d
\n\u201cMadam, we don’t have the money for the food bill,\u201d Chidu explained frankly.
\n\u201cWhat do you mean you don’t have money?\u201d asked Madam. \u201cWhere do all the taxes go?\u201d
\n\u201cTaxes?\u201d asked Chidu. \u201cDidn’t you hear my speech Madam?\u201d
\n\u201cSpeech,\u201d said Madam. \u201cActually to tell you the truth I was listening to my iPod.\u201d
\n\u201cReally?\u201d asked Chidu. \u201cI was wondering why were your earphones so different. These government ones don’t look so good on you.\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, every year, listening to these two hour speeches is so difficult. I have been listening to them for ten years now and have got thoroughly bored,\u201d confessed Madam.
\n\u201cWhich song were you listening to Madam?\u201d asked Chidu.
\n\u201cYou know my favourite one,\u201d said Madam.
\n\u201cAh that old song,\u201d said Chidu and started crooning the number. \u201cBaaki jo bachcha mehangai maar gayi…\u201d
\n<\/i>\u201cOkay, okay. Don’t kill the tune with that nasal tone of yours,\u201d pleaded Madam. \u201cI would rather have Himesh singing it.\u201d
\n\u201cYou know madam I also have a confession to make,\u201d said Chidu.
\n\u201cWhat? What?\u201d Madam asked excitedly.
\n\u201cWell I have the budget speeches of\u00a0bada babu<\/em>\u00a0recorded on CDs.\u201d
\n\u201cAnd?\u201d
\n\u201cOn nights I don’t get sleep I put them on.\u201d
\n\u201cAnd?\u201d
\n\u201cI fall asleep as soon as\u00a0bada babu<\/em>\u00a0starts speaking in Bongish.\u201d
\n\u201cHe he.\u201d
\n\u201cYeah. And you know Madam…\u201d
\n\u201cOkay. Enough of that. Let me get back to the point. What happened to the Right to Food bill?\u201d asked Madam, suddenly turning serious again. \u201cWhy was it missing from your budget speech?\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>Madam. As I said in my speech the tax collections have been falling.\u201d
\n\u201cAre they?\u201d
\n\u201cYes madam.\u201d
\n\u201cOh.\u201d
\n\u201cSo in\u00a02011-12, the tax GDP ratio was 5.5 percent for direct taxes. For indirect taxes it was at 4.4 percent. This is very low when we compare ourselves with other large developing countries.\u201d
\n\u201cHmmm,\u201d said Madam.
\n\u201cAnd that means that we do not have enough money for the Right to Food bill.\u201d
\n\u201cWell. I don’t know how you do it. But you have to somehow do it,\u201d said Madam. \u201cRaul\u00a0ka gum ab mujhse dekha nahi jaata<\/em>.\u201d
\n\u201cYes madam I know,\u201d said Chidu. \u201cEk Ma ka dard main samajh sakta hoon<\/em>.\u201d
\n\u201cSo do something then!\u201d
\n\u201cWhat madam?\u201d asked Chidu. \u201cThere is really no money!\u201d
\n\u201cWell what is money?\u201d
\n\u201cAs in?\u201d
\n\u201cIt is just a piece of paper,\u201d said Madam.
\n\u201cHmmm.\u201d
\n\u201cSo print it.\u201d
\n\u201cPrint it?\u201d asked Chidu. \u201cBut that will lead to more inflation madam.\u201d
\n\u201cI thought you knew my favourite song,\u201d replied Madam. \u201cI heard you singing it sometime back.\u201d
\n\u201cYes madam!\u201d
\n\u201cYou do it. Or I will get\u00a0bada babu\u00a0<\/em>back and get him to do it.\u201d
\n\u201cI’ll do it madam.\u201d
\n\u201cGood,\u201d said Madam. \u201cOh and can I have those CDs of\u00a0bada babu<\/em>\u00a0making his budget speeches. I am turning into an insomniac these days getting worried about Raul. He refuses to get married also.\u201d
\n\u201cYes Madam time he got married,\u201d said Chidu. \u201cWho will rule us after him otherwise? The show must go on.\u201d
\n\u201cOh, I am not worried about that. Priya and Bob’s sons will take care of that.\u201d
\n\u201cYes. Yes. They are also there. I will give you the CDs on Saturday.\u201d
\n\u201cOkay,\u201d said Madam. \u201cSee you on Sunday then.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span>\u201cClose call that was,\u201d Chidu told himself, as soon as Madam left.
\n\u201cDon’t worry. Don’t worry,\u201d said Amma, suddenly appearing from nowhere. \u201cIf anything happens you can always join my party.\u201d
\n\u201cAnd even mine,\u201d said Didi, also appearing out of nowhere. \u201cWhat Madam can do I can do better!\u201d
\n\u201cOh, I am really having a nightmare,\u201d said Chidu, rushing out of the Parliament in his white Ambassador.
\nAs soon as the car was out of the vicinity of Parliament he asked his driver to put on the FM.
\n\u201cAur bhaiyyon aur behno<\/em>,\u201d went the anchor, imitating the voice of the great Ameen Sayani, like they all do. \u201cSunte hai ye naya gaana!<\/em>\u201d
\n\u201cTu bhi dramebaaz, main bhi dramebaaz, saale dramebaaz sab yahan!<\/em>\u201d went the song.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0<\/span>(Vivek Kaul is a writer. He tweets @kaul_vivek)<\/span><\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  \u00a0 Vivek Kaul Chidu came out of the back door of the Parliament after having presented the budget to avoid the media that was waiting for him at the Main Gate. And there he ran into his b\u00eate noire Amma. \u201cI knew it,\u201d said Amma. \u201cYou will try to pull a fast one after … <\/p>\n

Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"qubely_global_settings":"","qubely_interactions":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[68],"tags":[250,552,675,976,2154,2677],"qubely_featured_image_url":null,"qubely_author":{"display_name":"Vivek Kaul","author_link":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/author\/vivekkaul\/"},"qubely_comment":0,"qubely_category":"Satire<\/a>","qubely_excerpt":"  \u00a0 Vivek Kaul Chidu came out of the back door of the Parliament after having presented the budget to avoid the media that was waiting for him at the Main Gate. And there he ran into his b\u00eate noire Amma. \u201cI knew it,\u201d said Amma. \u201cYou will try to pull a fast one after…","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1609"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1609"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1609\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1609"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1609"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1609"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}