{"id":1540,"date":"2013-02-19T00:47:20","date_gmt":"2013-02-18T19:17:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/teekhapan.wordpress.com\/?p=1540"},"modified":"2013-02-19T00:47:20","modified_gmt":"2013-02-18T19:17:20","slug":"what-happens-when-vijay-kaliya-subrata-noi-and-choti-babu-meet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/2013\/02\/19\/what-happens-when-vijay-kaliya-subrata-noi-and-choti-babu-meet\/","title":{"rendered":"What happens when Vijay, Subratai and Arindam meet"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"cartoon-airplane\"<\/a>Vivek Kaul\u00a0<\/b><\/span><\/span>
\nIt is sometime in late December 2012. Vijay Kaliya’s Woodpecker Airlines<\/i> is in the process of shutting down. Subrata Noi’s Jahan Aara<\/i> is also in major trouble. Kaliya is very worried and Noi is not.
\nKaliya and Noi run into each other and are soon joined by a man with long hair and a ponytail.
\nThis is how things went.<\/span><\/span>
\nVijay Kaliya was feeling very besahara <\/i>when Subrata Noi happened to walk in.
\n\u201cI heard the bad news about Woodpecker,\u201d said Noi, trying to console Kaliya.
\n\u201cHmmm,\u201d replied Kaliya barely acknowledging Noi.
\n\u201cYou still have a thing or two to learn about how to do business,\u201d said Noi, with an odd smile on his face.
\n\u201cAnd what can you teach me?\u201d Kaliya asked, feigning curiosity.
\n\u201cFirst and foremost you need to make sure that money should always keep coming in.\u201d
\n\u201cAnd how do I do that?\u201d
\n\u201cThat can only happen if you have a business model.\u201d
\n\u201cWell I am not sure about the business, but yes I still do have the models!\u201d
\n\u201cAs in?\u201d asked Noi.
\n\u201cNever mind,\u201d replied Kaliya. \u201cYou were saying something?\u201d
\n\u201cSo I was saying that for any business to survive you need to have a business model.\u201d
\n\u201cAnd how do you define a business model?\u201d
\n\u201cAh. That’s how you hope to make money some day.\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, I had hoped to make money someday,\u201d replied Kaliya. \u201cBut now that’s not going to come.\u201d
\n\u201cOh. Don’t worry why don’t you just sue them,\u201d came a voice, as a man with long hair and a ponytail entered the room.
\n\u201cWho are you?\u201d asked Noi.
\n\u201cThey call me the Guru,\u201d came the reply from the man with long hair and a ponytail.
\n\u201cAh, the love guru,\u201d remarked Kaliya. \u201cSo tell me will I be able to hold onto my models?\u201d
\n\u201cWhat model…\u201d Noi was about to ask, but was interrupted by the man with long hair and a ponytail.
\n\u201cI am insulted. I will sue you in a court in\u00a0Jhumritilaiya,\u201d\u00a0<\/i>threatened the man with long hair and a ponytail.
\n\u201cChill\u00a0maadi,<\/i>\u201d quipped Kaliya. \u201cHere have a Woodpecker beer.\u201d
\n\u201cI don’t drink beer,\u201d said the man with long hair and a ponytail. \u201cBut I use it for some other purpose.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat other purpose?\u201d asked Noi, wondering what other use could beer have.
\n\u201cWell. Don’t tell anyone. It’s a trade secret.\u201d
\n\u201cI won’t,\u201d both Kaliya and Noi answered together
\n\u201cI actually use it to wash my hair, you know. I tried various other brands but my hair only shines when I use Woodpecker,\u201d explained the man with long hair and a ponytail. \u201cAnd Star Rukh Khan gave me this idea.\u201d
\n\u201cThat’s brilliant idea,\u201d exclaimed Kaliya. \u201cI could capture the entire hair oil market with it. Let me just call Yana and see if she would model for it.\u201d
\n\u201cArre\u00a0<\/i>give me also some idea also no,\u00a0Choti babu<\/i>,\u201d<\/i>\u00a0pleaded Noi.
\n\u201cI am telling you I will sue you in\u00a0Udupi\u00a0<\/i>if you continue to insult me like this,\u201d said the man with long hair and a ponytail.
\n\u201cUdupi<\/i>?\u201d asked Noi. \u201cHow can you sue me in an idli\/dosa hotel?\u201d
\n\u201cArgh! Never mind,\u201d said the man with long hair and a ponytail, almost pulling his hair out. \u201cMy name is Ravindran Aghauri and I am a management guru. I deserve respect because every student who comes to my business school pays me Rs 15 lakh.\u201d
\n\u201cSaala\u00a0<\/i>you must be collecting a lot of money,\u201d quipped Noi. \u201cThat is what I was telling Kaliya.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat were you telling him?\u201d asked Aghauri.
\n\u201cI was telling him that it is important that the money keeps coming in, like is the case with you,\u201d answered Noi.
\n\u201cOf course. That is because we dare to think beyond the IIIM.\u201d
\n\u201cNice tag line you have going there,\u201d said Kaliya.
\n\u201cLet me tell you another trade secret.\u201d
\n\u201cBatao, Batao,<\/i>\u201d said Noi.
\n\u201cYou know we never give the full form of IIIM in advertisements.\u201d
\n\u201cSo?\u201d asked Kaliya.
\n\u201cArre\u00a0<\/i>I don’t mean the IIIM which everyone thinks, but the International Integrated Institute of Management in\u00a0Mughal Sarai.<\/i>\u201d
\n\u201cOh. Such a naughty boy you are,\u201d remarked Noi.
\n\u201cMarketing sir. Marketing. That is what its all about,\u201d replied Aghauri, playing around with his ponytail. \u201cI can sell an air-conditioner to an Eskimo.\u201d
\n\u201cSo I was telling Kaliya that it is important that money keeps coming in,\u201d said Noi.
\n\u201cYeah, yeah, education is a recession proof business. Everyone cannot get into the IIIM. So they will have to come to us. And I sell dreams!\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, your business model is\u00a0ekdum tight,\u201d\u00a0<\/i>said Noi. \u201cBut I am worried about our friend Kaliya.\u00a0Iska kuch karna padega.<\/i>\u201d
\n\u201cYes, yes we should help him,\u201d quipped Aghauri.
\n\u201cSo I was saying that it is important that money keeps coming in,\u201d said Noi for the nth time.
\n\u201cYou are stuck like Ravi Shastri\u00a0yaar.\u00a0<\/i>Imagine saying the same things for twenty years and getting paid for it,<\/i>\u201d interrupted Kaliya, who was slightly irritated by now.
\n\u201cAage kya bolun.\u00a0<\/i>That is my business model.\u201d
\n\u201cAs in?\u201d asked the management guru, totally surprised.
\n\u201cAnd I thought you were smart guys. Let me explain. See investors should always be ready to keep putting in money into your company. And then you can use that money to launch some business. Look at me I am into hotels, insurance, real estate, movies, newspapers, television and what not.\u201d
\n\u201cSo?\u201d asked Kaliya.
\n\u201cSo, I don’t know what I really do.\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>So?\u201d asked Aghauri.
\n\u201c<\/span>Well when I don’t know what I do, how can the world know what I really do.\u201d
\n\u201cSo?\u201d asked Kaliya.
\n\u201cSo I can keep raising more money.\u201d
\n\u201cBut how do you repay the guys whose money falls due?\u201d asked Aghauri.
\n\u201cOh. That is very simple. I repay the old investors using money being brought in by the new investors.\u201d
\n\u201cWow. What a formula!\u201d\u00a0<\/i>exclaimed Aghauri. \u201cI will now dare to dream beyond business schools.\u201d
\n\u201cYes, yes, why not, it is always good to have some healthy competition,\u201d said Noi, trying to show his large heartedness.
\n\u201cBut Kaliya why are you still sad?\u201d asked Noi. \u201cI have given you the fool proof business formula. Whether your real business makes money or not it is important to keep rotating money.\u201d
\n\u201cAb ek baar muskura do na yaar,<\/i>\u201d said the management guru getting happy and gay.
\n\u201cArre,\u00a0<\/i>but this doesn’t solve my problem\u00a0na.<\/i>\u201d
\n\u201cBut why not?\u201d asked Noi. \u201cUsing this formula you can start another airline.\u201d
\n\u201cAirline?\u201d
\n\u201cYes. Airline. Aren’t you unhappy because Woodpecker Airlines is shutting down?\u201d
\n\u201cNot at all. I am unhappy because I have just finished shooting another Woodpecker calendar. This is what gives real meaning to my life. And I won’t be doing it for at least another year.\u201d
\n\u201cYana ka jaana<\/i>!\u201d quipped Noi.
\n\u201cAh Kaliya, I have a solution for you,\u201d said the management guru.
\n\u201c<\/span>Really?\u201d asked Kaliya.
\n\u201c<\/span>Why don’t you make monthly calendars, you know. A different model for every day,\u201d suggested Aghauri. \u201cHow about that?\u201d
\n\u201cBrilliant idea. That will keep me busy throughout the year,\u201d remarked Kaliya. \u201cAnd you know what, I love flying paper planes with my models around!\u201d
\nThe article<\/a> originally appeared on www.firstpost.com on February 19,2013.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span>
\n(Vivek Kaul is a writer. He can be reached at <\/span><\/span>vivek.kaul@gmail.com<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/span>)\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Vivek Kaul\u00a0 It is sometime in late December 2012. Vijay Kaliya’s Woodpecker Airlines is in the process of shutting down. Subrata Noi’s Jahan Aara is also in major trouble. Kaliya is very worried and Noi is not. Kaliya and Noi run into each other and are soon joined by a man with long hair and … <\/p>\n

Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"qubely_global_settings":"","qubely_interactions":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"qubely_featured_image_url":null,"qubely_author":{"display_name":"Vivek Kaul","author_link":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/author\/vivekkaul\/"},"qubely_comment":1,"qubely_category":"Uncategorized<\/a>","qubely_excerpt":"Vivek Kaul\u00a0 It is sometime in late December 2012. Vijay Kaliya’s Woodpecker Airlines is in the process of shutting down. Subrata Noi’s Jahan Aara is also in major trouble. Kaliya is very worried and Noi is not. Kaliya and Noi run into each other and are soon joined by a man with long hair and…","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1540"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1540"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1540\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1540"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1540"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1540"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}