{"id":1448,"date":"2013-01-30T18:57:02","date_gmt":"2013-01-30T13:27:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/teekhapan.wordpress.com\/?p=1448"},"modified":"2013-01-30T18:57:02","modified_gmt":"2013-01-30T13:27:02","slug":"how-to-make-an-indian-film-that-does-not-get-banned","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/2013\/01\/30\/how-to-make-an-indian-film-that-does-not-get-banned\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Kamal Haasan: Here\u2019s how to make a 100% ban-proof film"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"mashallah-song-ek-tha-tiger\"<\/a>As imagined by Vivek Kaul <\/b><\/span><\/span>
\nI am a closet film script writer.
\nThe one thing I really want to do is a write masala film script which is different. Recently I ran into a film maker friend of mine and since he was in the mood to listen, I told him my story.
\n\u201c<\/span><\/span>Acha hai<\/i><\/span><\/span>,\u201d <\/span><\/span>he said, down two drinks of whisky.
\n\u201cI am glad you liked it so much,\u201d I replied, hoping that he would take it on and choose to direct it.
\n\u201cPar thoda change karna padega!\u201d
\n\u201cKya?\u201d\u00a0<\/i>I asked.
\n\u201cWe will have to change the religion of the villain.\u201d
\n\u201cHmmm!\u201d
\n\u201cYes. We will have to make him a Parsi.\u201d
\n\u201cOh why?\u201d I asked, not having heard of a\u00a0bawa\u00a0<\/i>villain in Hindi cinema for a very long time.
\n\u201cWell. One they are too small in number and most of them barely watch Hindi cinema.\u201d
\n\u201cSo?\u201d I asked.
\n\u201cSo, some of there so called leaders won’t bother to protest that we have a shown a Parsi character in negative light.\u201d
\n\u201cI don’t get it.\u201d
\n\u201cAnd even if they do, their protests will fall on deaf ears because there are only around 70,000 of them. So they are not a vote bank.\u201d
\n\u201cOh. But when was the last time you heard of a Parsi terrorist?\u201d I asked rather humbly trying to drive home what I thought was an important point.
\n\u201cArre yaar Vivek!\u00a0<\/i>It doesn’t matter. This is Hindi cinema. The absurd will just become absurder,\u201d he said. \u201cChal,\u00a0<\/i>let me order a drink.\u00a0Tu tamatar soup theek se pee!<\/i>\u201d
\n\u201c<\/i>Whatever you think is right,\u201dI replied.
\n\u201cAlso, that side character of a cobbler. We will have to change that a little as well.\u201d
\n\u201cHmmm!\u201d I replied, wondering if my series of compromises had just started?
\n\u201cWe can’t call him a\u00a0Raju mochi\u00a0<\/i>as you do in the script,\u201d he explained patiently.
\n\u201cBut why?\u201d I asked. \u201cWhat do you call a\u00a0mochi\u00a0<\/i>if not a\u00a0mochi?\u201d
\n\u201c<\/i>Using the word\u00a0mochi\u00a0<\/i>is insulting. You cannot call a cobbler a\u00a0mochi.\u00a0<\/i>He needs to be called a\u00a0charmakar.\u00a0<\/i>Accordingly you should call your character Raju\u00a0Charmakar.\u201d
\n\u201c<\/i>But why? He is not a cobbler. He is just a spy pretending to be a cobbler,\u201d I persisted.
\n\u201cArre<\/i>, you don’t remember. A few years back a movie called\u00a0Aaja Nachle\u00a0<\/i>had a line in a song which went like this \u201cBazaar Mein Machi Hai Mara Maar, Bole Mochi Bhi Khud Ko Sunar<\/i>.\u201d\u201d
\n\u201cSo?\u201d
\n\u201cSo there were protests and they had to remove that word. And I don’t want my film to be stopped because of one word!\u201d
\nThe words \u201cmy film\u201d were music to my ears. \u201cAs you say boss!\u201d I agreed.
\n\u201cAlso, the side hero seems to be wearing saffron colour throughout the movie.\u201d
\n\u201cYes. That’s how his character is\u00a0na.\u00a0<\/i>It is a political thriller after all. I had to build in characters from across the spectrum.\u201d
\n\u201cWo to theek hai.\u00a0<\/i>But I don’t like too much saffron on the screen. You know my movies have a red theme. So lets make him wear red. We will also give him a song with a lot of red in it. I have a nice set in mind.\u00a0Karjat main set banayenge.<\/i>\u201d
\n\u201cArre,\u00a0<\/i>that will change the entire meaning. How can red replace saffron?\u201d I asked him, totally perplexed.
\n\u201cWell if Vishal Bhardwaj’s\u00a0bhains<\/i>\u00a0can be a pink\u00a0gulabo<\/i>\u00a0instead of a red\u00a0laali<\/i>, I am sure the side hero can wear red instead of saffron.\u00a0Samjha karo.\u00a0<\/i>It can have a big impact in the biggest territory.\u201d
\n\u201cAs you wish,\u201d I replied totally giving in to his demands.
\n\u201c<\/span>And lets put in a song by Yo Yo Honey Singh,\u201d he further suggested.
\nAnd I sunk into my chair.
\n\u201cThoda\u00a0<\/i>daaru shaaru, weed-sheed, kudiyon shudiyon ke baare main gayega.\u00a0<\/i>And that will ensure that the movie will go housefull in the Delhi, Western UP and Punjab territory,\u201d he continued.
\n\u201cBut what if it gets banned because of his song? Also the women have been rallying against him,\u201d I asked.
\n\u201cNa na.\u00a0<\/i>The protesting women were the few\u00a0dainted painted\u00a0<\/i>types.We will ensure that he doesn’t go to the same extent like he often does.\u00a0Kuch hulka phulka,\u00a0<\/i>you know what I mean.\u201d
\n\u201cHmmm,\u201d I just nodded.
\n\u201cAur yaar.\u00a0<\/i>Your heroine is too dry.\u201d
\n\u201cYes. She is from a small town. But she is a total\u00a0deshbhakt.\u00a0<\/i>That is why she helps the hero in his mission against the terrorists.\u201d
\n\u201cWo to theek hai.\u00a0<\/i>But lets spice her up!\u201d
\n\u201cAs in?\u201d
\n\u201cArre thoda item number-wumber daalo!<\/i>\u201d
\n\u201cBut she is a humble small town girl? It doesn’t sound right!\u201d I pleaded.
\n\u201cLet’s put in a dream sequence\u00a0yaar.\u201d
\n\u201c<\/i>Dream sequence?\u201d
\n\u201cYes. You know what I have a brilliant idea. We will also shoot the heroine under a waterfall. The same one where Raj\u00a0ji\u00a0<\/i>shot Mandakini in\u00a0Ram Teri Ganga Maili.\u201d
\n<\/i>\u201c<\/span>Oh!\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>Yeah. Your script says she is a village girl <\/span><\/span>na.\u201d
\n<\/i>\u201c<\/span>Small town girl,\u201d I clarified.
\n\u201c<\/span><\/span>Arre ek hi baat hai. <\/i><\/span><\/span>And while she is bathing under the waterfall, the hero will see her for the first time. <\/span><\/span>Wo scene poore single screen theatres ko loot lega!\u201d
\n<\/i><\/span><\/span>\u201cBut who will do the heroine’s role? Katrina?\u201d
\n\u201cShe will be too expensive.\u00a0<\/span><\/span>Utne main to hero aa jayega.\u00a0<\/i><\/span><\/span>Arre\u00a0<\/i>we will take a new girl. She won’t have any inhibitions about shedding clothes if the scene demands so.\u201d
\n\u201cYou think very differently,\u201d I replied.
\n\u201cRight now it is important to ensure that the film does not get banned. And no film ever gets banned because of its heroine! So\u00a0heroine koi bhi ho sakti hai!<\/i>\u201d\u00a0
\n\u201c<\/i>What about the lead role?\u201d I asked. \u201cLet’s take Shah Rukh.\u201d
\n\u201cNa na. Bolta bahut hai wo! Ab to likhne bhi laga hai.<\/i>\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>Hmmm!\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>He might say something reasonably intelligent before the film’s release and there will be a huge controversy <\/span><\/span>aur\u00a0<\/i><\/span><\/span>film dabbe main pad jayegi.\u201d
\n<\/i>\u201c<\/span>But wouldn’t that be good publicity for the movie? I mean, <\/span><\/span>My Name is Khan <\/i><\/span><\/span>got a lot of publicity that way.\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>Yes it did. But I don’t want to take that risk.\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>So? Lets take Aamir then?\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span><\/span>Na na <\/span><\/span><\/em>he is too much of an activist and intellectual type. And if you remember Gujarat had banned his movie <\/span><\/span>Fanaa. Gujarat territory main Aamir risky hai<\/i><\/span><\/span>.\u201d
\n<\/span><\/span>\u201cThen?\u201d
\n\u201cLet’s take Salman,\u201d he replied confidently.
\n\u201c<\/span>Hmmm.\u201d
\n\u201c<\/span>He barely speaks and when he does it sounds like Italian,\u201d he replied. \u201cSo Rs 150 crore guaranteed.\u201d
\nI had nothing to say. Money talks loudest.
\nThe article<\/a> originally appeared on www.firstpost.com on January 31, 2013
\n
\n(Vivek Kaul is a writer. He can be reached at <\/span><\/span>vivek.kaul@gmail.com<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/span>)\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span>
\n
\n<\/span><\/span>
\n
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As imagined by Vivek Kaul I am a closet film script writer. The one thing I really want to do is a write masala film script which is different. Recently I ran into a film maker friend of mine and since he was in the mood to listen, I told him my story. \u201cAcha hai,\u201d … <\/p>\n

Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"qubely_global_settings":"","qubely_interactions":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[133,136,1220,2332,2949,3028,3194,3210,3314,3935,4035],"qubely_featured_image_url":null,"qubely_author":{"display_name":"Vivek Kaul","author_link":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/author\/vivekkaul\/"},"qubely_comment":0,"qubely_category":"Cinema<\/a>","qubely_excerpt":"As imagined by Vivek Kaul I am a closet film script writer. The one thing I really want to do is a write masala film script which is different. Recently I ran into a film maker friend of mine and since he was in the mood to listen, I told him my story. \u201cAcha hai,\u201d…","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1448"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1448"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1448\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1448"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1448"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vivekkaul.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1448"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}