Spoof: Tracking the Sensex Crash in a Biz Channel


What follows is a figment of the author’s imagination

 In the office of a ing business news channel:

“Okay, we go in with the dark look today,” said the shift editor of the business news channel. The BSE Sensex had fallen by more than 1000 points.
“Dark look?” asked the female anchor.
“Are you carrying a change of clothes?” he asked her.
“Yes, kind of,” she replied.
“Your clothes are too bright for today’s show. Makes you look too happy. Wear black!”
“The investor is unhappy today. You also need to look unhappy. Also, that lipstick is too bright.”
“Eh? I just bought it yesterday.”
“And hope you are carrying that kajal thingie. Make your eyes look dark.”
“Dark?” the female anchor asked again.
“Yes, I want that lack of sleep kind of look. You know slightly unkempt,” the editor said. “And why did you have to shampoo your hair today.”
“Shampoo?” the female anchor asked, all confused.
“Yes, messy hair goes very well with a falling stock market,” he explained.
As soon as he had finished saying this, the male anchor walked in.
“Hello, boss,” he said. “Aaj kya karne ka hai?” The male anchor was an old pro at these things.
“Fold your shirt sleeves. And loosen the tie,” replied the editor.
“Ah, now you have that hard-working look,” said the editor. “Just right for the day.”
“Yes, I know,” replied the male anchor. “Worked so well for us in 2008. The investors really bought into it. They really thought I was working so hard to save their money that I did not have time to wear my tie properly.”
“And what angle should we take boss?” the female anchor butted in.
Kya yaar! This is the problem with these new girls,” said the male anchor. “Never seen a proper bear market.”
“Sorry?” the female anchor turned around towards the male anchor and asked.
“It’s simple,” said the editor.
“What’s simple?” she asked again.
“Every time the market falls, we sell it as a ‘good time to buy’ opportunity.”
“Why not?” the male anchor butted in.
“That’s the business model yaar,” explained the editor, who was slightly irritated by then. “All our advertisers, from insurance companies to mutual funds to stock brokerages will only keep making money if the stock market keeps going up.”
“Ah,” exclaimed the female anchor.
Tubelight jal gaya!” said the male anchor.
“Yes. And they will keep advertising only if the keep making money,” continued the editor. “Okay, now let’s get onto the job.”
In the studio, some 30 minutes later.

“We have with us today, the technical analyst Mr Pehlaj Guglani. Sir, where do you think the market is headed?” asked the female anchor.
“You know there is a resistance at 26,420 points. Or actually there is a support. And when the resistance meets the support, the stock market will start to rally again because the JET indicator is looking very robust. You know the whole country of the system is juxtapositioned by the haemoglobin in the atmosphere because you are a sophisticated rhetorician intoxicated by the exuberance of your own verbosity,” said the technical analyst.
“Sorry Sir, but what does that mean?”
“Talk less, invest more.”
“Oh,” replied the female anchor.
“We also have with us today Mr Tarun Sabharwal, who is a fund manager,” said the male anchor. “Where do you think the market is headed Sir?”
“That is not important,” replied Sabharwal. “What goes up, comes down, only to go up again. The investors should realise there is a sale on at lower prices and they should buy. If they can buy things on Flipkart and Amazon sales, they should definitely be buying here as well.”
“Sir where do you think the stock market is headed?” persisted the male anchor.
“You see, Modi ji is doing a lot of good things for the country. And I can safely tell you that by next August the market will touch 35,000.”
“How sir?” asked the female anchor.
“Modi ji will ensure that,” said the fund manager, knowing fully well no one was going to remember what he said, even if the Sensex did not touch 35,000 points one year later.
Meanwhile, the editor is getting bored with this conversation and tells the anchors over the teleprompter to get back to the technical analyst.
“Mr Nehlani, what are your targets for this week?” asks the male anchor.
“Oh, I think if the Sensex crosses 26,420 then it will touch 27,308. And if it does not cross 26,420, then it can fall to 25,768.”
“What should an investor do then?”
“If he believes in the first forecast, the investor should then buy stocks. If he believes in the second forecast, he should sell them.”
Meanwhile, the editor is thoroughly bored with the responses. The female anchor has smudged her kajal and needs a touch up. An ad break is taken.

The investor’s house:

Kya Ramnik bhai, aaj to stok market gir gaya,” Choksi bhai tells Raminik bhai.
Yes. Yes,” replies Ramnik bhai.
“Oh, but why do you have the television on mute?”
Arre, bus bhav dekhne ka tha.
Sun ne ka nahi?”
Sab upar se jaata hai re!”
Koi stok tip hai to bata na?”

(Vivek Kaul is the author of the Easy Money trilogy. He tweets @kaul_vivek)

The column was published on Aug 28, 2015 on MxMIndia.com